How many times have you put off a difficult conversation? Maybe you need to talk with a team member who keeps missing deadlines. Or maybe there’s a client issue that no one wants to own. Avoiding these discussions can only make things worse.

Bestselling author David Burkus says most leaders excel at getting the work done. They manage the strategy sessions, oversee the performance metrics and keep things rolling. But when it comes to having uncomfortable conversations, they often go into them all wrong. They might have the wrong mindset or the wrong goal, which can lead to discussions breaking down.

There’s a better way, Burkus says. In this issue of PromoPro Daily, we share his thoughts on what some people do wrong and what to do instead.

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  1. Begin with the right mindset. Don’t start off labeling a conversation as “difficult.” If you walk in guarded or tense, Burkus says you and the other person can feel that before anyone says a word. Instead, think of it as a development discussion. You’re not trying to win or prove a point, he says, but to move forward together.

  2. Keep the bullet points but lose the script. You may want to script out what you want to say like you’re entering a courtroom. The problem, though, is that the other person hasn’t read the script. When they say something you didn’t anticipate, you’ll scramble to find your place again. Burkus recommends listing out your thoughts by identifying 2 or 3 things you most want the other person to understand.

  3. Notice if emotions start running high. You might notice yourself speaking louder or the other person shutting down. Or maybe you’re both talking but no one is listening. In these situations, Burkus says the conversation has crossed from productive to counterproductive. This is when you should pause. Not dismissively but genuinely, he says.

  4. Lead with curiosity rather than accusation. When something goes wrong, whether it’s a bad decision or a missed deadline, you may want to assume the other person didn’t care or was being difficult on purpose. The reality, according to Burkus, is much more mundane. It was likely a one-off mistake or misunderstanding. When you approach a difficult conversation assuming positive intent, he says you lower the other person’s defensiveness before you’ve even made your point.

  5. Use “I” instead of “you.” Consider the difference between these two sentences: “You always change things at the last minute.” And: “I felt surprised when so many details changed close to the deadline.” Burkus says the first triggers defensiveness immediately while the second is what psychologists call non-defensive communication. You’re describing your experience, not assigning motive.

  6. End with a path forward. Difficult conversations aren’t just about clearing the air, Burkus says. The real purpose is to solve a problem together, and that means the conversation needs to end with something forward-looking. Try saying, “What would a good path forward look like for both of us?”

While they might be uncomfortable, difficult conversations can strengthen relationships — not damage them. Start with the right mindset and stay flexible so you can listen and adapt in the moment. Use more “I” than “you” statements and end the conversation with a path forward. This is how you can have honest discussions that help everyone work better together.

Compiled by Audrey Sellers
Source: David Burkus is an organizational psychologist, keynote speaker and bestselling author of five books on leadership and teamwork.